City of Diamonds

8.0 (2)

Written by Ripcord June 14, 2007 Hits: 515 Favorites

Where lie the poor in this city of diamonds,
The cries of the hungry in streets of pure gold,
Real are the beings paraded before us,
Or creatures who’s souls have for silver been sold.

They don’t need the poor, the old sick and weary,
When riches and glamour gives face that sustains,
The peddlers and dealers heave, bloated with profits,
Their eyes light up with each day of fresh gains.

So gone are the poor from the city of diamonds,
Silent the cries of the hungry and lame,
Sent far away to dark distant places,
So the city can keep its false friends from its shame.

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Overall rating:		8.0
Readability:		8.0 (2)
Structure:		8.0 (2)
Content:		8.0 (2)
Technical:		8.0 (2)
Emotional:		8.0 (2)

City of Diamonds

Overall rating:		8.0
Readability:		8.0
Structure:		8.0
Content:		8.0
Technical:		8.0
Emotional:		8.0

Reviewed by Petit
August 08, 2009
Top 10 Reviewer

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0 of 0 people found the following review helpful

A view that lies close to my heart Roger, well put in this poem.
Petit :-)

Nearly there.

Overall rating:		8.0
Readability:		8.0
Structure:		8.0
Content:		8.0
Technical:		8.0
Emotional:		8.0

Reviewed by Soloneili
May 01, 2009
#1 Reviewer

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Last updated: May 03, 2009

0 of 0 people found the following review helpful

THIS IS A TEST EDIT, THIS IS A TEST EDIT, There, I've said it.

Hi again Roger. Firstly let me say I like your inventive approach and you do picked a good subject. This one provides material for strong imagery I think.

I can't help feeling though that you are playing with the syntax of your phrasing to fit the syllables, to preserve rhythms perhaps. This being one such example 'Or creatures who’s souls have for silver been sold' In normal speech one would likely say 'or creatures who's souls have been sold for silver'.

This suggests you've contrived the syntax to convenience the end rhyme so 'sold' rhymes with 'gold'. Must work harder I say, haha!

I think you should draft in such a way that the reader doesn't have to work as hard to bridge the older poetic syntax. If the language is modern then the reader will be left to absorb the actual poetry of the content. I must admit I'm sensitised to this and I still love poetry that reads like older poetic language, but it will tend to look a little dated at times.

You have a great eye for a subject, a lovely sense of rhythm too, and I hope to see more of your work.

Best.. Neil

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